Having re-read the previous posts, it appears I have a very cavalier attitude toward friendship. What is more accurate to say is, I have an ambiguous attitude with the word friendship. I have no idea what it really means, to be honest, or what types of relationships it describes, other than in general terms. What is friendship? I don't know, and, quite frankly, probably don't care to know. Does it matter?
I have relationships that some would characterize as friendships. For me, as I age, all relationships seem to satisfy a certain set of criteria:
- Does conversation come easily? Is it awkward to share thoughts and feelings or does it flow?
- Is it reliable? Am I able to offer myself to another person, and vice versa, in easily accessible ways? Is there a desire to be dependable?
- Is our time together enjoyable? Whether we sit at a cafe, take a walk or talk on the phone, are we able to have a good time and share a few laughs?
- Finally, and because relationships are hard work, is there a sense of 'missing' when the relationship is dormant? Is it difficult to rekindle or keep lit, for either of us?
I suppose there's more and I acknowledge to be limited by my lack of expertise on the subject. Both intellectually and with real-life experience. I have had many friends in my life, people with whom I have either entered into their universe or they mine, or perhaps there was a brief union of universes. These friendships of convenience served a deeper purpose, no doubt, but the foundation was built on the very principles that would later undermine the relationship. They were no longer convenient. We no longer worked together. Our kids weren't in band together. You moved and found another church closer to your new home.
I also have legacy friendships. People with whom, as I look back on my formative years, I was closer with than my own family. How could I have shared such intense, personal experiences with people I barely would recognize today?
My wife has great friendships forged by a relentless desire to not lose touch, to not let go of those common and shared experiences. She regularly gathers with friends from high school for a glass of wine and reminiscing. Her best friend is a woman she met when our son began Tiger Cubs with her son, nearly 30 years ago. This friendship of convenience grew roots and now blossoms.
I do not think I have the capacity for sustaining friendships that my wife has. Instead, I think I have reached a point where I'm ready to add a new criteria for relationships in my life.
- Does the relationship recognize, acknowledge and appreciate the limitations we all have as people? Are we willing to accept each other, as flawed beings, with few expectations?
